ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
303 stories, give or take. Updates are May 2 and November 2.

Note that for some categories, the link goes to another page, and for some it expands a cut.

Remember, stories linked here are the stories where Sam survives, or, at least, the optimistic reader can reasonably interpret that he does.


For the seriously downer stories, go to Suicidal Sam Compendium II (death!fic) ("I can't recommend those without knowing that you have tissues, ice cream and a kitten at hand for aftercare" - [livejournal.com profile] casey679)

ALSO - please read warnings for individual stories, especially if you are squicked by Wincest. The stories I have listed under UST/Wincest are categorized that way because the relationship tension is a main part of the reason that Sam is suicidal. Stories in other categories may still contain Wincest of an incidental nature.


Teen!chesters


*before* losing Jessica, starting the Apocalypse, or getting Lucifer for a roommate



Doesn't go to Stanford AU


In which hopes and dreams are crushed



After the Asylum


"Don't be afraid. I'm going to make you all better."



Dean's Deal


In which Sam is left to his own devices



Can't Stop the Music


Heat of the Moment



You're my brother. I would die for you.


thinks-he's-a-burden!sam



So Dean Won't Have To Do It


thinks-he's-a-monster!sam



Voicemail


There's no going back.



Testing Lucifer's promise


The only way to win is cheat.



I started the Apocalypse


and all I got were these lousy Enochian sigils.



I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself king of



infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams




Always Keep Fighting by sammiephillips
Sam's being tormented by Lucifer in Bobby's panic room and Dean deals with the aftermath.

And On We Go by [livejournal.com profile] center_galaxy
“I promise you,” He continues, fingering tightening ever so slightly on the trigger. “Everything is going to be okay.”

Becoming the Devil by fuckyeahlucifersupernatural
Lucifer is trapped in the Cage, but it hardly matters. You don’t need the Devil to become the Devil.

Breathe Into Me by hidden_messages
“Of course it’s your fault; you’re Sam Winchester.”

Crazy by gothpandaotaku
Post 7x2 "Hello Cruel World. Hallucifer encourages Sam to put a bullet in his head one more time. This time, Sam listens. Dean has other ideas.

Desirable by AquilaTempestas
Faced with inescapable torture, Sam contemplates suicide.

Devil Made Me Do It by Marianna Morgan
He had awoken to Lucifer's off-key singing – Sam couldn't even remember what song now – and had laid there on the lumpy mattress; his head resting on the flat pillow as he had gripped the sheet that covered him...and had figured today was as good as any day to finally end it.
Because after six months, he couldn't take it anymore.

Devil's Ridin' Shotgun by Welcome to my House of Mirrors
Without moving his gaze from the living room entryway, Sam held the thumb and forefinger of his right hand under his chin.

Don't Let Go by HPSmallCharm29
He had only been gone for 5 fucking minutes.

Don't Wanna Pull You Down by Sebe
Season 6. Unbalanced!Sam. Dean just wants Sam to get better. Sam just wants Dean to be happy.

Happily Ever After by [livejournal.com profile] ninhursag
Sam found old scars on his wrists, the ones that told him this wasn't the first time he'd tried this.

heart keeps beating like a hammer by The_Bookkeeper (also here)
Sam isn't suicidal, exactly. He just sometimes considers his options.

His Master's Voice by [livejournal.com profile] de_nugis
Sam can still hear him.

Humpty Dumpty by [livejournal.com profile] center_galaxy (also here)
"Castiel never understood why a nursery rhyme about a broken egg was so important until after he broke Sam's wall. Now, the angel is left to pick up the pieces and try to put Sam back together again."

if salvation only comes when you fall by [livejournal.com profile] minviendha
They both had dreams they didn’t talk about. Dean’s were about finding his brother's brains blown out across the wall in a familiar spattering pattern.

It Ends When by RainbowBetty
A series of Hallucifer drabbles (now complete!) on the many ways Luci tortures Sam with this: "End it? This? The paint slowly peeling off your walls, come on, man why would I end it? It ends when you can't take it anymore."

Kings of Medicine by duffmansean
Dean strikes a bargain with Death in exchange for something Sam lost... but not without complications.

On The Edge by [livejournal.com profile] center_galaxy
"He's standing on a cliffside somewhere in California. He's looking down at the endless blue sea before him, which spreads out as far as the eye can see. If he were to take a step right now, he could end it all."

Resistant by sideburnsandbowlegs
It seemed like a good idea.

Skin by DeansUnderageBoyfriend
Dean left Sam alone at another trashy motel. That's alright with Sam, until Lucifer starts taunting him. He can handle it though, he just needs to hold out until Dean gets back. Right?

Suicide Shift by Leon Sage
Lucifer bent down and took Sam's face in his hand. 'You and I both know how to make this stop, Sam' he said.

Sympathy for the Devil by FloofeyMarshmallow
Dean walked into the bathroom and did not see what he expected to see. Sam, his baby brother, Sammy, was laying on the ground, unconscious with blood pouring from his wrist at an alarming rate.

Talk Me Off the Ledge by General-Senyaka98
One step and it was all over. He could end the pain he was feeling and prevent himself from causing anymore trouble.

Talk Won't Work This Out. . .? by [livejournal.com profile] hillz_85 (also here)
“No. No, y-you don’t need... It’s okay Dean. I... I understand. This isn’t your fault ... you need to, to know that. I’m happy to go now” Sam says weakly and brokenly, but he needed Dean to know this, needed to say it before he wouldn’t be able to.

The Autumn Leaves Fall by [livejournal.com profile] cherry916  (also here)
He has a brief sense of guilt about leaving Dean alone but Lucifer is right, Dean's better off without him.

The Long Con by [livejournal.com profile] clown_or_midget (also here)
'This is what you want. Everything I have done to you, everything I have said, is what you made happen. I am not real. I am a creation of your mind. And, Sam, your mind wants you to kill yourself.'

This Bewildering House by[livejournal.com profile] lustmordred
It occurred to Sam that he might be developing an overactive case of paranoia. But then he remembered the Devil in his head and had to think for a few minutes about whether or not he’d been talking to him aloud as he shopped. He didn’t think so, but he couldn’t be 100% sure.

Violins Aren't That Bad by Desertfyre
As if in a trance, Sam opened his mouth and inserted the gun without moving his eyes from Lucifer.

Whether 'tis Nobler in the Mind To Suffer by [livejournal.com profile] mamapranayama
Whether his tormentor was real this time or not, he’d simply had had enough and was too tired to play the victim anymore. It all needed to end -- now.



The Penny Dropped



25 Days of Hurt Sam (Chapter 21-Losing it All) by Center of the Galaxy
"Sam—" Dean begins, but Sam tightens his grip on the gun.
"Don't." He pleads. He can't bear to hear anymore about how he screwed everything up, how he left Dean to rot even though he was sure that Dean had died and left him all alone. He can't deal with one more disapproving glance from his older brother.

Be Free by Lady_Akuma_Wolf
AU from end of Southern Comfort. Sam takes Dean's words to heart, his mind throwing in its own two cents. Believing it is what will make Dean happy, Sam runs and becomes untraceable until it is almost too late. Dean calls in any help he can to find his brother, including angelic assistance. But finding someone with the knowledge Sam has, and who doesn't want to be found, the remaining members of Team Free Will better pull out all the stops, and fast. Sastiel.
WIP

Choices by rainbowbetty (also here)
He really had one choice left that made any sense.

Family Problems Finally Resolved by MagicoftheWorld
When Dean told Sam in season 8 that Benny was a better brother than him it broke Sam. After the voicemail and the amulet trashing, it was only a matter of time until Sam broke.

Fell on Black Days by [livejournal.com profile] snarkymuch (also here)
You can only take so much before you break. Since Dean returned from purgatory, Sam has been taking hits. This was one hit too many.

Lost Without You by Wincesteriffic Kaz
Sam hits a new low and makes a confession. Post 8x06 "Southern Comfort" a little angst and a lot of cheerful naughty.

No Exit by interflora
I don’t want to do this anymore.

The Worst Kind of Freedom by gammadolphin
The things Dean said to his brother while under the influence of the cursed penny broke something inside of Sam.

Their Own Sense of Normal by Butterflies in Glass
Sam's year alone wasn't so cut and dry and Dean had always known his brother was a good liar. What he can't figure is when Sam got good enough to lie to him, too. Pre-8x01 to 8x15.

What You Don't Know by Quiet Crash
Dean comes back from Purgatory and finds his brother domesticated and withdrawn from the hunting life. Naturally he jumps to the conclusion that Sam abandoned him to find his cursed normal while Dean fought for his life. He should have known not to assume anything when it came to his little brother.

While You Were Gone by [livejournal.com profile] waya88
What was the point of even being alive? Everyone who he loved was dead, more importantly, Dean was gone.

(untitled) by [livejournal.com profile] reading_is_in
He opened the smeared glass door and took out the first little bottle with its printed label, fumbling the childproof cap for a moment. He was tired. Please, let there be nothing after this.



Season 9



the night was all you had by brokenlittleboy
A sort of band-aid for the issues that Sam and Dean are struggling with this season. Sam and Dean finally talk, and also hug and cry a lot.

Time To Let Go by [livejournal.com profile] zubeneschamali
Sam's only been himself again for a few months when an old enemy threatens to end his life for good. Can he trust Dean to save him, or is it better to just let go?



Battered, Broken, Beleauguered



Broken by skag trendy
Complete AU. The bond between the brothers was all too easily broken. Set after the death of Azazel, and assumes Sam didn’t die at the hands of Jake. When he finds out what happened in his absence, Dean tries to find a way back to Sam.

Consequences by skag trendy
'What happens now? I mean, I'm no use to you now right?'

Gifts by Muffy Morrigan
Sam waited until he heard the door close. He knew he didn't have long.

You Better Start Swimming by Alex L. Kerr
Sam tried to sleep a lot. It was the closest thing he could get to death and so he kept trying to get there. Every time he woke up, he felt regret for the day he'd failed in the rehab.



Noncon



All the Lonely People by homostuck
Sam's not the same anymore.

A Secret Hell by DarkandtwistyGirl
Sam looks at Dean angrily, and says. 'So now you care? Where were you when' Sam stops himself mere seconds from revealing his awful secret, but Dean can tell that Sam was about to say something.

Burn Your Name by [livejournal.com profile] smash86
A demon kidnaps Sam and tortures him when he's at his lowest. Sam, being Sam, thinks he deserves it after all he's done.

Fallout by [livejournal.com profile] hwficjournal
From Prompt: I want Cas! Lucifer raping Sam in the bunker. I want Lucifer taunting Sam how it is his fault that he had to possess Castiel because he wouldn't say yes. I want Dean finding Sam later battered and raped. Then I want a lot of hurt Sam and comforting Dean. If you can throw an attempted suicide there it'd be awesome but it isn't necessary.

Heavy Affliction by ShhUrDead678
On a hunt, Dean and John learn some things about Sam he has been holding out on.

Keep Holding On by PrinceofHell
Sam's got a crush on his 17 year old brother. He knows it's wrong, but he knows he can't help it either. Someone a very not-nice someone at his school suspects something weird is going on with him and does something about it. It all goes downhill.

On the Side of the Road by [livejournal.com profile] jasmineisland
Prompt: Back in season 5, after Dean and Sam split up; Sam hitchhikes, thing is, the angels are out to tear him apart.

Sam's Hell by BerrySPNFMA
Sam can't take it anymore, he wouldn't let that man hurt him again.

Whether 'tis Nobler in the Mind To Suffer by [livejournal.com profile] mamapranayama
Whether his tormentor was real this time or not, he’d simply had had enough and was too tired to play the victim anymore. It all needed to end -- now.



The Pangs of Despis'd Love




A Pretty Good Day by Winnie_Chester
This is the way Sam’s world ends.

Baba O'Riley and Eleanor Rigby Walk Into a Bar by [livejournal.com profile] sammehsayum
When Dean Winchester was four years old he almost lost his younger brother for the first time to a fire. When Dean Winchester was eighteen he almost lost his brother a second time to a full bathtub and a pack of sleeping pills, citing some decidedly unbrotherly feelings in his suicide note. At twenty-two he's about to lose him for a third time to Stanford University.

Desperate Measures by [livejournal.com profile] meganlouise86 (also here and here)
Sam is totally alone - he's just lost his big brother too, the last person in his life he really cares about, and is prepared to do whatever it takes to try to make the pain stop.

Everything is not okay by NeoCortex
'When you didn't answer the phone this time I thought' He stammered and cried harder, 'You usually answer every once in a while' Sam gagged on his words. 'W-when you didn't answer tonight I thought- I'm sorry Dean! I'm so sorry!'

Fireworks by JHandAC
So, maybe, just maybe, Sam could make it right.

Five different ways to die by CatherineWinner
Sam couldn't save him so he starts planning his backup plan.

In Your Warm Arms by [livejournal.com profile] slsh_lvr08
'What were you thinking?”  “That you left me. That you weren’t coming back.”

Keep Holding On by PrinceofHell
Sam's got a crush on his 17 year old brother. He knows it's wrong, but he knows he can't help it either. Someone a very not-nice someone at his school suspects something weird is going on with him and does something about it. It all goes downhill.

Lost Without You by Wincesteriffic Kaz
Sam hits a new low and makes a confession. Post 8x06 "Southern Comfort" a little angst and a lot of cheerful naughty.

Love of a Reaper by CrankyWhenProvoked
Dean is a reaper and more times than he wishes to count, comes face to face with a young man named Sam.

No Exit by interflora
I don’t want to do this anymore.

Not Enough by [livejournal.com profile] cherry916(also here)
When cutting himself stops becoming enough Sam decides to do something a little more drastic.

Nothing But The Truth by glowystars325
While on a hunt, Sam accidentally gets more than he bargained for when he asked for the truth.

Remove All The Pieces One By One by Blue_Jay
"I've been watching to make sure you won't kill yourself since you were twelve. I haven't really succeeded either."

Sam and the Eternal Quest for Absolution by sarahjeanne21
Sam's guilt is eating him inside out and he likes his brother a little too much.

The Dark Interior Life of Sam Winchester by Winnie_Chester
Sam spent a lot of time imagining how he would kill himself. It was the most fucked up thing he did, which is saying something for someone who got off at least once a week while imagining his brother’s perfect lips wrapped around his cock.

What Do You Want Me To Be? by [livejournal.com profile] fic_freaknout
When Sam breaks, will Dean be able to notice in time?

What You Don't Know by silvery-midnight
Things haven't been the same after Dean's return from Purgatory. As the distrust and secrecy between the brothers grow, Dean's questioning how true Sam's story of that time is. Especially when something's so obviously off about Sam.

When You Were Gone bytheperksofhavingatimeturner
This time it was Sam's turn to look away, refusing to believe he was actually going to tell Dean this now, after everything they'd been through, and everything he could lose.

You are my Hope by badmoonrisingccr
Dean's words rang coldly in his head.



None of the Above Actually, All of the above




Coping by HCAddict
S10. Sam ponders some of the hurtful things Dean has said over the years. He feels hopeless.

Cost by Faye Dartmouth
After years on the road, Sam reaches a breaking point.

Deep in the Meadow by AFlushedKindOfLover
If Sam was quite honest with himself, there were a lot of things he was afraid of. Losing Dean, losing his autonomy, relapsing on demon blood.
But really, the worst thing he was afraid of was himself.

Let It Go by anon
From prompt:When Sam stepped out of hunting after the leviathans, he thought he was making the right call. Everyone gets to retire sometime, right? Even priests? He'd served an eternity of torture in Hell, come out of it only watch his entire family killed - even people like his grandfather he'd never had a chance to know. Lost his mind when the only angel he believed in broke it wide open. Fought evil so huge and powerful that destroying it took away his father figure, took away his brother, took away the angel, took away his future - he couldn't even go into any big city after the killing spree the leviathans had gone on wearing his and Dean's faces. Back at the height of being crazy, he'd wanted to kill himself, and the feeling had never really gone away, of being trapped, doomed. He couldn't kill himself, that would be unforgivable, might even send him back to hell. Dean was already getting his retirement up in heaven; surely Sam deserved the same on earth?

But apparently, he thought wrong. Dean's words cut him to the core; there's no out of this life, there's never going to get to be one. Dean doesn't need him, can barely stand to be around him, told him in one year a monster was better at being a brother than him. So Sam's done the unforgivable already; what's one more unforgivable thing?

Someone - Cas, Benny, Kevin, even Dean - realizes how close Sam is to killing himself, and how starved he's been for feeling loved and valued. Can be sex or just kissing and physical contact.

No Dominion by [livejournal.com profile] center_galaxy
Sam's lost a lot of things in his life--his chance at a normal life, his lovers, and now his health--but with Sarah's death weighing on him, he's also losing hope.
It's up to Dean to change that.

Sam in the Fog by [livejournal.com profile] excoyote(also here)
Sam feels distant and disconnected from his emotions. He decides to end his life. Dean brings him back to himself.

Shots by gothpandaotaku
After the events of Dark Dynasty Sam comes to the realization, with the help of a bottle of whiskey, that he can't watch another person he cares about die. So he'll take the one to blame out of the equation: himself.



None of the Above



A Broken Heart Beats Too by AxlM
1.22. AU. Sam shot his father when the YED possessed him. Now he's desperate to make it up to a broken and angry Dean, and his hurtful words and actions grows his desperation even more. long

Blood, Bone, and Familyby [livejournal.com profile] brokenangel6662
Season 5. Something threatens Sam, himself. And it leads Dean, Castiel, and even Gabriel to reveal how they feel about the youngest Winchester. At least post-5x10

Blood Ties by KB49
Dean threw away the amulet. Sam understands. He's considering throwing away his life.

Day of Reckoning by kelhome
Tag to 6.11. Sam is back and Dean has to remind him that that's a good thing.

Decisions In Blood by KateCyrus
Season Two- Tag: When Dean almost flat lines, Sam has an emotional breakdown which drives him to drastic measures in hope of contacting his brother’s spirit.

Emptiness and Razor Blades by Captains Shadow
Some days I did it just to see if this life was anything other than one hellish nightmare.

Fade To Black by AElizabeth
John is dead, leaving both his sons grief-stricken and confused. They slowly make their way to Sioux Falls where Dean begins to heal with the help of Bobby and his beloved Impala. Sam, though, is silently spiralling into despair and he can only hold on for so long.

Get Hurt by [livejournal.com profile] safiyabat
"I'm going to go get my brother some cholesterol. And then I'm going to go get drunk."

Just a year by RandomActsofSambriel
The leaves fell off the trees, they look dead. I can't help but be a little jealous.

I Couldn't Sleep by AngstyAly
Sam's in the hospital and Dean reflects.

I'm holding a gun to my head (and I think I might pull the trigger) by MinaRosette
He's done some terrible things. He's hurt people, broken families, betrayed people who trusted him. People he loved. Maybe Dean was right. Maybe he is a monster. He wonders if a bullet will fix it all.

It's A Wonderful Life (Really, it is) by CaptainLucifer
Sam pushes himself up and looks around at the papers scattered all over his desk like they might hold some deeper meaning or an answer for him. They don't, of course. And then he stands up and crosses the room and opens a desk drawer to look inside like it might hold an answer for him. It does. And it's in the shape of a gun.
AU Sam/Lucifer

"It's gonna be okay. I've got him." by i-ve-got-him
Done for a prompt from spnfan19. Dean finds out about Sam’s attempted suicide after Dean went to Purgatory.

Let Go by irismay42
A rash of suicides lead Sam and Dean to a vengeful spirit taken before her time. With the body count rising, the Winchesters must put an end to the specter's machinations before one of them becomes her next victim...

Long Shadows by Jedi Sapphire
Six years after the Winchesters spent a few weeks in the small town of Campbell Pass, Sam and Dean are back in town on a case. They'll find that not all evil is supernatural, and this job will lead to the revelation of secrets Sam hoped to keep hidden. Set in Season 1.
 
Many a long night by [livejournal.com profile] girlfan1979
F-locked.

Maybe by white chocolate panda
Pre-series. Sam is failing to adjust to life at Stanford. He knows nobody, has no friends, and his family has disowned him. He tried to be happy at school, but he can't shake his regret at losing everyone he loves to follow what now seems to be a pointless dream. With no one to turn to and nothing to hold on for, can Sam dig himself out of his depression? Or will it consume him?

Napoleons by [livejournal.com profile] scriptcat
Sam seeks help at a hospital for depression. This is Sam’s journey with Dean an important part of the arc. unfinished

Needed by noobieninja
Dean is the eldest, Adam is the beloved little brother, and Sam is left to pick up the pieces of himself every time his family shatters him.

Old Yeller Style by iliketocolor
Set in the beginning of Season 8. Cas isn't back yet, but Dean is, and Sam can't stand that he'd left his brother to rot in Purgatory while he got a girlfriend and a dog, trying to live a normal life. After Dean finds Sam with his own gun to his head, the boys have a heart-to-heart.

One Last Candle (to Keep Out the Night) by Bates
Sam Winchester was lost. Lost big time. He once had his brother to help him when he really wasn't in a good place, but now?
Now even Dean is gone. With Dean gone and Gabriel gone too, he just doesn't know what to do. Terrified of his own thoughts, he writes a letter to Gabriel, bringing back memories he hoped he'd never have to face again.

Perchance to Dreamby geminigrl11
Dean helps Sam sleep, with unexpected consequences.

Perfect Timing by moosiferlove
The angels are pressuring Sam to take his role as Lucifer's vessel. Sam, who is no stranger to self-harm, decides that the easiest escape would be to kill himself. But what happens when Gabriel walks in on him? And what will the consequences of his actions be when the rest of their quirky little family finds out? WIP

Rage and Love by DisenchantedDestroya
There's only so much someone can take before they snap, before they do something desperate. And it looks like Sam's just snapped. Set somewhere in Season Five. Suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Sastiel.

Repercussion by Amy Renee
Dean isn't taking the recent deaths of his friends very well. Unfortunately, he is too withdrawn to notice that he's not the only one who's hurting, and it might cost him dearly.

Retrospective by [livejournal.com profile] ithuriel788 (also here)
Dean is certain that Sam is planning to run away again. He's right, sort of.

Ringtone by [livejournal.com profile] debbiel66
He can still hear Lucifer whispering in his ear. And without Dean, Sam doesn’t trust himself not to listen.

Rolling the Dice by SnarkyMuch2
Life and loss are piling on top of Sam and he feels like there is no where left to turn. Will John and Dean notice in time?

Sammy's Problem by himqwerty
Sam was beaten by John as a kid, and since then has cut himself to relieve the pain. This time, he decides to end it all. Can Dean save him again, this time from himself?

Sticks and Stones by [livejournal.com profile] center_galaxy
Words can never be unsaid. Choices can never be unmade. And forgiveness is never as easy as saying sorry.

Stars in a Bottle by NotQuiteInsane
"Break. You're already broken. It shouldn't take much to crush yourself to dust."

The ABC of Limp Sam (Chapter 19)by Lonnie
Chapter 19: S - Suicidal
- Alt. ending to "When the Levee Breaks" and "Lucifer Rising"

The Darkness Between by Faye Dartmouth
'Max was right, Dean. There's only one way to end this.

The End by cucoo4cas
10x17 coda. Sam realizes there was more help in Metatron's words than not. He sneaks out of the bunker in a desperate attempt to save Dean's life.

Unfreeze by WincheseterPooja. Also here.
He almost doesn't get out of bed again; because he's tired — too tired, and his bones, and fingers, and hair are tired. His soul is tired.

Unloved by Skye1963
Sam believes that he is unloved so much he wants to die. Then a visitor tells him dfferently.

Voices by SilverMidnight52
Castiel has been watching Sam for a long time. Now that Castiel is here in person can he save Sam from himself? Sam/Castiel loving!

What Doesn't Kill You by [livejournal.com profile] jaded_reality  (also here)
Dean comes back to the boys' motel room in time to learn that there are any number of secrets Sam is hiding.

While You Were Missing by [livejournal.com profile] jasmineisland (also here)
“S’not a party. It’s a wake.” Tripping over the coffee table, Sam reached for one of the bottles that didn’t fall and drank the last few drops.

Wrung Out by [livejournal.com profile] themegalosaurus (also here)<
Even both times Dean had died since then, Sam hadn’t really managed to cry.





For suicidal!sam + death!fic see Suicidal!Sam Compendium II

ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
If you are keeping up with ohsam! and/or spn_kinkmeme, you'll already recognize these authors.

Lennelle (Livejournal, Fanfiction, AO3)
hugglewolf (Livejournal)/huggles (AO3)
HazelDomain (AO3)

These authors have all come on the scene in the last 12-18 months and produced some really good fic, much of it hurt!sam.

I've been seeing a lot of my favorite writers drop out of the fandom, for whatever reasons. I really appreciate the new folks taking up the torch, go check them out!

About Nov 2

Nov. 2nd, 2016 01:34 pm
ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)

Season 12 spoiler
Read more... )


ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
I'm looking for a story. Why aren't I posting on spnstoryinders, you ask? Because it isn't spn/j2 fic, it's Hercules/Xena. Since it isn't my fandom, and I'm just looking for the one story, I will never come across it randomly because I am not reading anything else in that universe, have never even seen the shows.
So, any closet Hercules fans out there? (Didn't see it listed in anyone's Interests). Who is the chellexxx for that fandom?

The story I'm looking for is suicidal!Iolaus (what a surprise). It was longish, hurt/comfort. I *think* Iolaus was kidnapped and there was some noncon. After he was rescued Hercules and Xena were taking care of him. The two were sitting by a fire, old friends, tired, leaning on one another. Iolaus was feverish/hallucinating, decided they were supposed to be together and he was supposed to be dead, so he snuck off to Aphrodite's temple and stabbed himself. The Goddess of Love was Not Happy at the bloodshed in her sanctuary.

I haven't found it on Delphi, AO3, or fanfiction.net. I read this story in the dark old days (circa 2001) before there were a lot of fanfiction archives, when this (NSFW) was my only resource for this sort of fic. I think I probably got there via that site, but not directly.

Long shot, but I thought I'd try anyway.

Um, anyone who helps me will be thanked profusely on the next suicidal!sam update.

ETA: I mean the fandom is Hercules/Xena. The story is Hercules/Iolaus
ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)


1. Who ARE these people?

2. Why was landing in the Middle Ages such a dealbreaker for Clea, unless the show is suggesting that Europe was the only inhabited part of the planet between the fifth and fifteenth centuries? And even if it was, am I to believe a powerful witch wouldn't be able to throw up a glamour to appear any way she wanted to? Their real problem is going to be their horrible accents.

3. I really appreciate that Crowley and Rowena still loathe each other. I like it that Lucifer may have bought in to Chuck's excuses for lousy parenting, while Crowley never fell for Rowena's.

4. Ever since the boys got the bunker, I have worried about them losing it. Considering the role of fire in their lives, and the fact that the bunker contains a library, and the fact that every single baddie in their universe knows about it, I worry a lot about it burning down. When Amara showed up, I was more worried about the real estate than the characters.

5. On seeing the Mark appear on Sam's arm, I realized that, somebody, somewhere, is going to be writing threesome Sam/Dean Amara fic . . . unless they already have

6. Am I the only one who wished Amara had said, "No, he's just mostly dead"?

7. Did Chuck really dump Becky Rosen because of her "vibrant sexuality?" And how does Sam feel about being "rebound guy" for God?

7A. The fist time we met Becky, Chuck contacted her to convey a message (to the Winchesters). Angels are messengers. The last we heard of her, she had uploaded the unpublished Winchester gospels. If this show had any continuity, she would be the next Scribe of God.

8. I'm going to go watch Ghostfacers now.


Also, I would like to thank [livejournal.com profile] borgmama1of5 for pointing me towards some good reviewers/recappers*) because frankly, reading reviews was more enjoyable than most of what I watched this season.

*
[livejournal.com profile] hells_half_acre
[livejournal.com profile] caranfindel
[livejournal.com profile] ash48
[livejournal.com profile] gaelicspirit

ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)



Updates/Additions to Suicidal Sam - Compendium I - May 2, 2016

15 stories added:

Teenchesters


And The Light Shows How Broken You Are by Celestialfeathers
This is Sam Winchester's life. Take it as you will.

A Second To Last Chance by AngstyAly
Sam Winchester shot himself nine years ago, leaving Adam and Dean to pick up the pieces of their lives and take on their father's hunt for the yellow-eyed demon. Now they've been zapped back into the past, just in time to stop their teenage brother from pulling the trigger. WIP

Doesn't go to Stanford AU


Fade by InTheCompanyOfDragons Sam knows he has dreams outside of hunting... His escape is the acceptance letter in the bottom of his bag. But he can't leave his family. His choice to stay leads to a whole new world of pain for the Winchester's, leaving them to wonder of Sam should have left his family behind him. finished May 1 2016 :)

Voicemail


Five Times Dean Doesn't Kill Sam and One Time Sam Begs Him to (again) by sarahjeanne21<5 + 1 set in season 5, directly from the point they're zapped onto the plane. There are some miscommunication after the voicemail, Sam thinks Dean wants to kill him. WIP

Testing Lucifer's promise


Come On, Oblivion by gothpandaotaku
Dean's left him, and well... Sam has nothing but Oblivion to look forward to.

Each Our Own Devil by [livejournal.com profile] tohereandnow (also here)
I will kill myself before letting you in. And I'll just bring you back. Sam takes Lucifer at his word and Dean kills monsters. They learn that they keep each other human. Set primarily after 5x03 and 5x04.

Knocking on Death's Door by [livejournal.com profile] dark_shadow85Sam's depressed after he finds out he's Lucifer vessel. During Dean's time in the future. Sam decides to test Lucifer's theory and see if he really will bring him back, but the angels find him first and refuse for the 'tainted one' to complete such a sinful action. Once Dean comes back and tries to call Sam, Sam doesn't answer.

It Ends When You Can't Take It Anymore


Crazy by gothpandaotaku
Post 7x2 "Hello Cruel World. Hallucifer encourages Sam to put a bullet in his head one more time. This time, Sam listens.
Dean has other ideas.

Skin by DeansUnderageBoyfriend
Dean left Sam alone at another trashy motel. That's alright with Sam, until Lucifer starts taunting him. He can handle it though, he just needs to hold out until Dean gets back. Right?

UST/Wincest


Nothing But The Truth by glowystars325
While on a hunt, Sam accidentally gets more than he bargained for when he asked for the truth.

Sam and the Eternal Quest for Absolution by sarahjeanne21
Sam's guilt is eating him inside out and he likes his brother a little too much. WIP

NonCon


Fallout by [livejournal.com profile] hwficjournal
From Prompt: I want Cas! Lucifer raping Sam in the bunker. I want Lucifer taunting Sam how it is his fault that he had to possess Castiel because he wouldn't say yes. I want Dean finding Sam later battered and raped. Then I want a lot of hurt Sam and comforting Dean. If you can throw an attempted suicide there it'd be awesome but it isn't necessary.

None of the Above ALL of the Above


Deep in the Meadow by AFlushedKindOfLover
If Sam was quite honest with himself, there were a lot of things he was afraid of. Losing Dean, losing his autonomy, relapsing on demon blood.
But really, the worst thing he was afraid of was himself.

Let It Go by anon
From prompt:When Sam stepped out of hunting after the leviathans, he thought he was making the right call. Everyone gets to retire sometime, right? Even priests? He'd served an eternity of torture in Hell, come out of it only watch his entire family killed - even people like his grandfather he'd never had a chance to know. Lost his mind when the only angel he believed in broke it wide open. Fought evil so huge and powerful that destroying it took away his father figure, took away his brother, took away the angel, took away his future - he couldn't even go into any big city after the killing spree the leviathans had gone on wearing his and Dean's faces. Back at the height of being crazy, he'd wanted to kill himself, and the feeling had never really gone away, of being trapped, doomed. He couldn't kill himself, that would be unforgivable, might even send him back to hell. Dean was already getting his retirement up in heaven; surely Sam deserved the same on earth?

But apparently, he thought wrong. Dean's words cut him to the core; there's no out of this life, there's never going to get to be one. Dean doesn't need him, can barely stand to be around him, told him in one year a monster was better at being a brother than him. So Sam's done the unforgivable already; what's one more unforgivable thing?

Someone - Cas, Benny, Kevin, even Dean - realizes how close Sam is to killing himself, and how starved he's been for feeling loved and valued. Can be sex or just kissing and physical contact.

Sam in the Fog by [livejournal.com profile] excoyote(also here)

Sam feels distant and disconnected from his emotions. He decides to end his life. Dean brings him back to himself.






Updates/Additions to the Suicidal!Sam Compendium II


Added 1 story.


It Ends When You Can't Take It Anymore


Unsteady by HalfwayToHell
Soon after Sam's soul is returned to his body and he becomes plagued with hallucinations of Lucifer, Sam isn't sure how much longer he can take it. Sam doesn't see a reason to keep fighting anymore and this leaves Dean ripped open.



ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
Ok, not exactly a theme. Honorable mention, maybe? Here are two suicidal!Sam stories that play out on Thanksgiving.*

untitled by [livejournal.com profile] reading_is_in for this ohsam prompt: Dean's actions in "Southern Comfort" send Sam spiraling back into his season five headspace. On Thanksgiving, he decides to kill himself and Dean walks in just before he can do it.

Choices by rainbobetty on AO3, for the same prompt.
Sam hadn’t made mistakes. He’d made choices. Now, with the gun pointed at his head, there was really only one clear choice left to make.


*USA Thanksgiving, because that's what the boys would know. I am aware Canada has one, too. I suppose J2 have spent so much time in Vancouver that they must celebrate both!
ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)


10 stories added, plus: New Category! All of the Above

A special note on [livejournal.com profile] sammehsayum's Baba O'Riley and Eleanor Rigby Walk Into a Bar, because I feel like I need to explain why this is only just now getting on the list.
I don't list stories unless I've actually read them. I'd never read Baba..., despite the fact that every single person who tags or recs suicidal!sam includes this story. I was put off 1) by the title and 2) the fact that it was so popular . . . I harbor deep suspicions about anything that is very popular . . . which was pretty dumb in this case; I should have trusted my fellow suicidal!sam aficionados! I never even got the hint after reading and enjoying her excellent (eating-disordered!sam) Brittle. Anyway, it is here, go read it!

Also, thoughts on Season 10/Season 11 based stories:
I find it interesting that when we finally got what we've all been craving - a whole filmed scene of Sam doggedly carving himself up with a knife, for Dean's own good - there weren't a whole lot of writers picking that up and running with it. A few, sure, but not many. I'm wondering if having it up there on screen somehow sucked the joy out of it all.
Haven't seen any suicidal!sam/Season 11 fic yet (please share if you know any!) - but it seems to me the looming Empty should be really appealing to Sam. As much as I love all things suicidal!sam, I do have to question why someone would commit suicide if he was 100% certain that Hell existed and was 99% sure that that was where he was headed. But oblivion is another thing entirely. And knowing Dean can't drag him back would be a huge plus.




Voicemail


What You Don't Know by Quiet Crash
Dean comes back from Purgatory and finds his brother domesticated and withdrawn from the hunting life. Naturally he jumps to the conclusion that Sam abandoned him to find his cursed normal while Dean fought for his life. He should have known not to assume anything when it came to his little brother.




Testing Lucifer's promise


Cognitive Realignment by Blue_Jay
To Sam, Dean is everything he needs and doesn't need to be. The amulet showed that and when Sam needed verification that what was going on in his head was really just his imagination, all he had to do was look to his brother and it was there, a constant reminder. And it was always with them, every second of every day.
Until it wasn't.




I started the Apocalypse


Last Good Deed by sometimesspn
After Dean goes to Hell, Sam just wants to do one thing right. And then there's Ruby. And then there's blood. And he just wants to do one thing right. And then Lucifer's out. And he figures it out.




It Ends When You Can't Take It Anymore


Always Keep Fighting by sammiephillips
Sam's being tormented by Lucifer in Bobby's panic room and Dean deals with the aftermath.

Sympathy for the Devil by FloofeyMarshmallow
Dean walked into the bathroom and did not see what he expected to see. Sam, his baby brother, Sammy, was laying on the ground, unconscious with blood pouring from his wrist at an alarming rate.




The Penny Dropped


Be Free by Lady_Akuma_Wolf
AU from end of Southern Comfort. Sam takes Dean's words to heart, his mind throwing in its own two cents. Believing it is what will make Dean happy, Sam runs and becomes untraceable until it is almost too late. Dean calls in any help he can to find his brother, including angelic assistance. But finding someone with the knowledge Sam has, and who doesn't want to be found, the remaining members of Team Free Will better pull out all the stops, and fast. Sastiel

What You Don't Know by Quiet Crash
Dean comes back from Purgatory and finds his brother domesticated and withdrawn from the hunting life. Naturally he jumps to the conclusion that Sam abandoned him to find his cursed normal while Dean fought for his life. He should have known not to assume anything when it came to his little brother.




UST/Wincest


Baba O'Riley and Eleanor Rigby Walk Into a Bar by [livejournal.com profile] sammehsayum
When Dean Winchester was four years old he almost lost his younger brother for the first time to a fire. When Dean Winchester was eighteen he almost lost his brother a second time to a full bathtub and a pack of sleeping pills, citing some decidedly unbrotherly feelings in his suicide note. At twenty-two he's about to lose him for a third time to Stanford University.

Remove All The Pieces One By One by Blue_Jay
"I've been watching to make sure you won't kill yourself since you were twelve. I haven't really succeeded either."




None of the Above All of the Above


Because reasons. ALL the reasons.

Coping by HCAddict
S10. Sam ponders some of the hurtful things Dean has said over the years. He feels hopeless.

No Dominion by [livejournal.com profile] center_galaxy
Sam's lost a lot of things in his life--his chance at a normal life, his lovers, and now his health--but with Sarah's death weighing on him, he's also losing hope. It's up to Dean to change that.

Shots by gothpandaotaku
After the events of Dark Dynasty Sam comes to the realization, with the help of a bottle of whiskey, that he can't watch another person he cares about die. So he'll take the one to blame out of the equation: himself.




None of the Above


Sticks and Stones by [livejournal.com profile] center_galaxy
Words can never be unsaid. Choices can never be unmade. And forgiveness is never as easy as saying sorry.





Updates/Additions to the Suicidal!Sam Compendium II


Added 6 stories.




It Ends When You Can't Take It Anymore


Screaming Silence by whovianonakayak
With the devil in his mind, Sam can't take it anymore. Will Sam's life end at the end of a gun, and will he be behind the trigger?




None of the Above


In The Old House On The Corner by ErinisMagic
In the old house on the corner, there lived a man...

Lethe by Nicolive
It had the power to drown people, to let them die in peace, wiping away their memories of life, and taking away the threat of Hell or Heaven. If you died in the river Lethe, you would truly die in peace, never to feel the sting of your soul moving on.

Over the Edge by EstrellaQueAdmiro
Sam is beating himself up over Charlie's death and Dean is piling on the blame. But how much can the younger Winchester take?

Something You Can't Replace by Er-BearG32
What happens if more was said between Sam and Dean at the end of episode 9x13? Sam never expected his brother to react the way he did, but once more hurtful words are spoken between them, there's no taking them back.

The Darkness in Sam Winchester by CallaLee
Sam has finally taken the last steps toward the end of his life.












ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
Spoilers )
ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
1) There is nothing new on spn_kinkmeme Pinboard. This is due to no fault of the generous contributors or mods, but only to my habit of checking it for updates upwards of twenty times a day.

2) If there is something new, it is not my kink.

3) If there is something new, and it is my kink, it is WIP.

4) If there is something new, and it is my kink, and it is not WIP, it is nice and long and well-written and I am walking out the door and don't have time to read it!
ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
Updates/Additions to the Suicidal!Sam Compendium I


10 stories added:

Teen!chesters


Punching in a dream by Felix Felicious
After being told he can't go to Stanford, Sam is found with his wrists slit in an apparent suicide attempt. Only thing is, he doesn't remember doing it.

Can't Stop the Music


Count for the Sacrifice by Welcome to my House of Mirrors
Routine. The human brain's self-preservation at its finest. When Dean decides to add 'die' to the daily schedule, Sam has to make some adjustments to his.

Dean Would be Better Off


To End a Life by dragongurl713
Six days spent thinking about the gun tucked in his waistband and what it would taste like.

Testing Lucifer's Promise


Fixing the Damage by FictionalNutter
Based on a prompt about Sam getting poisoned while he and Dean are at odds. Dean is gone, and Castiel is the one to come to the rescue.

On the Inverted Undoing of a Boy King by sarahjeanne21
“Dean?” His voice was groggy and wrecked, and Dean wondered if he’d just woken up from slitting his wrists again.

UST/Wincest


A Pretty Good Day by Winnie_Chester
This is the way Sam’s world ends.

None of the Above


Just a year by RandomActsofSambriel
The leaves fell off the trees, they look dead. I can't help but be a little jealous.

One Last Candle (to Keep Out the Night) by Bates
Sam Winchester was lost. Lost big time. He once had his brother to help him when he really wasn't in a good place, but now? Now even Dean is gone. With Dean gone and Gabriel gone too, he just doesn't know what to do.
Terrified of his own thoughts, he writes a letter to Gabriel, bringing back memories he hoped he'd never have to face again.

The End by cucoo4cas
10x17 coda. Sam realizes there was more help in Metatron's words than not. He sneaks out of the bunker in a desperate attempt to save Dean's life.

Unfreeze by WinchesterPooja. Also here.
He almost doesn't get out of bed again; because he's tired — too tired, and his bones, and fingers, and hair are tired. His soul is tired.





Updates/Additions to the Suicidal!Sam Compendium II


Added 2 stories.


None of the Above


Lethe by Nicolive
It had the power to drown people, to let them die in peace, wiping away their memories of life, and taking away the threat of Hell or Heaven. If you died in the river Lethe, you would truly die in peace, never to feel the sting of your soul moving on.

Something You Can't Replace by Er-BearG32
What happens if more was said between Sam and Dean at the end of episode 9x13? Sam never expected his brother to react the way he did, but once more hurtful words are spoken between them, there's no taking them back.

ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
I'm not big on gimmicky tee-shirts for myself, and I prefer to try to blend in at the gym, but this one is tempting.

Run like . . .
ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)




For the rest of the suicidal!sam hoard, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium I Home.
For updates to suicidal!sam death!fic, see here.

NEW CATEGORY! - "Can't Stop the Music (Heat of the Moment)" - here be stories related to Mystery Spot.

Deleted:
Harsh Realities by [livejournal.com profile] hellesofbelles
I'm all you need by obliviousworlds
Stay Still by supercellchaser
The Most Important Thing by 50boys
Why Did You Do It by I Love Supernatural


9 stories added:



Can't Stop the Music



Over and Over and Over Again by [livejournal.com profile] center_galaxy
He still dreams about it.

Redux by [livejournal.com profile] center_galaxy
If there is a way to break out of here and save Dean, then he has to take it, right?


Testing Lucifer's Promise



Hindsight 20-20 by The Bookkeeper (also here)
Being in the same room isn't the same as being together. Someone decides that Dean needs a little extra kick to get him back in gear with his brother before it's too late.

The Lucifer Problem by FictionalNutter
Dean and Sam try to make it work, but after Heaven, it becomes clear to Dean that it would be best to separate. Sam decides to let Dean stop the apocalypse, while Sam takes on the Lucifer problem. After all, if Lucifer doesn't have a true vessel to take, he'll be that much easier to defeat. Sam goes off the grid, and not even Castiel can find him.


UST/Wincest



The Dark Interior Life of Sam Winchester by Winnie_Chester
Sam spent a lot of time imagining how he would kill himself. It was the most fucked up thing he did, which is saying something for someone who got off at least once a week while imagining his brother’s perfect lips wrapped around his cock.


None of the Above



Fade To Black by AElizabeth
John is dead, leaving both his sons grief-stricken and confused. They slowly make their way to Sioux Falls where Dean begins to heal with the help of Bobby and his beloved Impala. Sam, though, is silently spiralling into despair and he can only hold on for so long.

Get Hurt by [livejournal.com profile] safiyabat
"I'm going to go get my brother some cholesterol. And then I'm going to go get drunk."

I'm holding a gun to my head (and I think I might pull the trigger) by MinaRosette
He's done some terrible things. He's hurt people, broken families, betrayed people who trusted him. People he loved. Maybe Dean was right. Maybe he is a monster. He wonders if a bullet will fix it all.

Sammy's Problem by himqwerty
Sam was beaten by John as a kid, and since then has cut himself to relieve the pain. This time, he decides to end it all. Can Dean save him again, this time from himself?

Wrung Out by [livejournal.com profile] themegalosaurus (also here)
Even both times Dean had died since then, Sam hadn’t really managed to cry.
ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)





Updates/Additions to the Suicidal!Sam Compendium II



Added 4 stories.



Teen!chesters


Dripping Blood by Miss221B
"Please," was all he could think, "please don't take my baby brother away from me. Don't take him away. My Sam. My Sammy. My little brother. My baby, God PLEASE!"

It ends when you can't take it anymore


Sam's Last Hallucination by hopelessfangirl
Just an angsty little one-shot about Lucifer using Dean to push Sam to the edge of insanity.

None of the Above


I am Human (And I Will Let You Down) by Enbyfriend_98
He would not cry because his brother had killed himself and Dean didn’t know why.

no more pain only freedom by SnarryMoreidLover
Sam has always felt like he didn't belong with his family and that everyone was better off without him this his his life story on why he wasn't worth it


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