ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)



Updates/Additions to Suicidal Sam - Compendium I - May 2, 2016

15 stories added:

Teenchesters


And The Light Shows How Broken You Are by Celestialfeathers
This is Sam Winchester's life. Take it as you will.

A Second To Last Chance by AngstyAly
Sam Winchester shot himself nine years ago, leaving Adam and Dean to pick up the pieces of their lives and take on their father's hunt for the yellow-eyed demon. Now they've been zapped back into the past, just in time to stop their teenage brother from pulling the trigger. WIP

Doesn't go to Stanford AU


Fade by InTheCompanyOfDragons Sam knows he has dreams outside of hunting... His escape is the acceptance letter in the bottom of his bag. But he can't leave his family. His choice to stay leads to a whole new world of pain for the Winchester's, leaving them to wonder of Sam should have left his family behind him. finished May 1 2016 :)

Voicemail


Five Times Dean Doesn't Kill Sam and One Time Sam Begs Him to (again) by sarahjeanne21<5 + 1 set in season 5, directly from the point they're zapped onto the plane. There are some miscommunication after the voicemail, Sam thinks Dean wants to kill him. WIP

Testing Lucifer's promise


Come On, Oblivion by gothpandaotaku
Dean's left him, and well... Sam has nothing but Oblivion to look forward to.

Each Our Own Devil by [livejournal.com profile] tohereandnow (also here)
I will kill myself before letting you in. And I'll just bring you back. Sam takes Lucifer at his word and Dean kills monsters. They learn that they keep each other human. Set primarily after 5x03 and 5x04.

Knocking on Death's Door by [livejournal.com profile] dark_shadow85Sam's depressed after he finds out he's Lucifer vessel. During Dean's time in the future. Sam decides to test Lucifer's theory and see if he really will bring him back, but the angels find him first and refuse for the 'tainted one' to complete such a sinful action. Once Dean comes back and tries to call Sam, Sam doesn't answer.

It Ends When You Can't Take It Anymore


Crazy by gothpandaotaku
Post 7x2 "Hello Cruel World. Hallucifer encourages Sam to put a bullet in his head one more time. This time, Sam listens.
Dean has other ideas.

Skin by DeansUnderageBoyfriend
Dean left Sam alone at another trashy motel. That's alright with Sam, until Lucifer starts taunting him. He can handle it though, he just needs to hold out until Dean gets back. Right?

UST/Wincest


Nothing But The Truth by glowystars325
While on a hunt, Sam accidentally gets more than he bargained for when he asked for the truth.

Sam and the Eternal Quest for Absolution by sarahjeanne21
Sam's guilt is eating him inside out and he likes his brother a little too much. WIP

NonCon


Fallout by [livejournal.com profile] hwficjournal
From Prompt: I want Cas! Lucifer raping Sam in the bunker. I want Lucifer taunting Sam how it is his fault that he had to possess Castiel because he wouldn't say yes. I want Dean finding Sam later battered and raped. Then I want a lot of hurt Sam and comforting Dean. If you can throw an attempted suicide there it'd be awesome but it isn't necessary.

None of the Above ALL of the Above


Deep in the Meadow by AFlushedKindOfLover
If Sam was quite honest with himself, there were a lot of things he was afraid of. Losing Dean, losing his autonomy, relapsing on demon blood.
But really, the worst thing he was afraid of was himself.

Let It Go by anon
From prompt:When Sam stepped out of hunting after the leviathans, he thought he was making the right call. Everyone gets to retire sometime, right? Even priests? He'd served an eternity of torture in Hell, come out of it only watch his entire family killed - even people like his grandfather he'd never had a chance to know. Lost his mind when the only angel he believed in broke it wide open. Fought evil so huge and powerful that destroying it took away his father figure, took away his brother, took away the angel, took away his future - he couldn't even go into any big city after the killing spree the leviathans had gone on wearing his and Dean's faces. Back at the height of being crazy, he'd wanted to kill himself, and the feeling had never really gone away, of being trapped, doomed. He couldn't kill himself, that would be unforgivable, might even send him back to hell. Dean was already getting his retirement up in heaven; surely Sam deserved the same on earth?

But apparently, he thought wrong. Dean's words cut him to the core; there's no out of this life, there's never going to get to be one. Dean doesn't need him, can barely stand to be around him, told him in one year a monster was better at being a brother than him. So Sam's done the unforgivable already; what's one more unforgivable thing?

Someone - Cas, Benny, Kevin, even Dean - realizes how close Sam is to killing himself, and how starved he's been for feeling loved and valued. Can be sex or just kissing and physical contact.

Sam in the Fog by [livejournal.com profile] excoyote(also here)

Sam feels distant and disconnected from his emotions. He decides to end his life. Dean brings him back to himself.






Updates/Additions to the Suicidal!Sam Compendium II


Added 1 story.


It Ends When You Can't Take It Anymore


Unsteady by HalfwayToHell
Soon after Sam's soul is returned to his body and he becomes plagued with hallucinations of Lucifer, Sam isn't sure how much longer he can take it. Sam doesn't see a reason to keep fighting anymore and this leaves Dean ripped open.



ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
Ok, not exactly a theme. Honorable mention, maybe? Here are two suicidal!Sam stories that play out on Thanksgiving.*

untitled by [livejournal.com profile] reading_is_in for this ohsam prompt: Dean's actions in "Southern Comfort" send Sam spiraling back into his season five headspace. On Thanksgiving, he decides to kill himself and Dean walks in just before he can do it.

Choices by rainbobetty on AO3, for the same prompt.
Sam hadn’t made mistakes. He’d made choices. Now, with the gun pointed at his head, there was really only one clear choice left to make.


*USA Thanksgiving, because that's what the boys would know. I am aware Canada has one, too. I suppose J2 have spent so much time in Vancouver that they must celebrate both!
ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)


10 stories added, plus: New Category! All of the Above

A special note on [livejournal.com profile] sammehsayum's Baba O'Riley and Eleanor Rigby Walk Into a Bar, because I feel like I need to explain why this is only just now getting on the list.
I don't list stories unless I've actually read them. I'd never read Baba..., despite the fact that every single person who tags or recs suicidal!sam includes this story. I was put off 1) by the title and 2) the fact that it was so popular . . . I harbor deep suspicions about anything that is very popular . . . which was pretty dumb in this case; I should have trusted my fellow suicidal!sam aficionados! I never even got the hint after reading and enjoying her excellent (eating-disordered!sam) Brittle. Anyway, it is here, go read it!

Also, thoughts on Season 10/Season 11 based stories:
I find it interesting that when we finally got what we've all been craving - a whole filmed scene of Sam doggedly carving himself up with a knife, for Dean's own good - there weren't a whole lot of writers picking that up and running with it. A few, sure, but not many. I'm wondering if having it up there on screen somehow sucked the joy out of it all.
Haven't seen any suicidal!sam/Season 11 fic yet (please share if you know any!) - but it seems to me the looming Empty should be really appealing to Sam. As much as I love all things suicidal!sam, I do have to question why someone would commit suicide if he was 100% certain that Hell existed and was 99% sure that that was where he was headed. But oblivion is another thing entirely. And knowing Dean can't drag him back would be a huge plus.




Voicemail


What You Don't Know by Quiet Crash
Dean comes back from Purgatory and finds his brother domesticated and withdrawn from the hunting life. Naturally he jumps to the conclusion that Sam abandoned him to find his cursed normal while Dean fought for his life. He should have known not to assume anything when it came to his little brother.




Testing Lucifer's promise


Cognitive Realignment by Blue_Jay
To Sam, Dean is everything he needs and doesn't need to be. The amulet showed that and when Sam needed verification that what was going on in his head was really just his imagination, all he had to do was look to his brother and it was there, a constant reminder. And it was always with them, every second of every day.
Until it wasn't.




I started the Apocalypse


Last Good Deed by sometimesspn
After Dean goes to Hell, Sam just wants to do one thing right. And then there's Ruby. And then there's blood. And he just wants to do one thing right. And then Lucifer's out. And he figures it out.




It Ends When You Can't Take It Anymore


Always Keep Fighting by sammiephillips
Sam's being tormented by Lucifer in Bobby's panic room and Dean deals with the aftermath.

Sympathy for the Devil by FloofeyMarshmallow
Dean walked into the bathroom and did not see what he expected to see. Sam, his baby brother, Sammy, was laying on the ground, unconscious with blood pouring from his wrist at an alarming rate.




The Penny Dropped


Be Free by Lady_Akuma_Wolf
AU from end of Southern Comfort. Sam takes Dean's words to heart, his mind throwing in its own two cents. Believing it is what will make Dean happy, Sam runs and becomes untraceable until it is almost too late. Dean calls in any help he can to find his brother, including angelic assistance. But finding someone with the knowledge Sam has, and who doesn't want to be found, the remaining members of Team Free Will better pull out all the stops, and fast. Sastiel

What You Don't Know by Quiet Crash
Dean comes back from Purgatory and finds his brother domesticated and withdrawn from the hunting life. Naturally he jumps to the conclusion that Sam abandoned him to find his cursed normal while Dean fought for his life. He should have known not to assume anything when it came to his little brother.




UST/Wincest


Baba O'Riley and Eleanor Rigby Walk Into a Bar by [livejournal.com profile] sammehsayum
When Dean Winchester was four years old he almost lost his younger brother for the first time to a fire. When Dean Winchester was eighteen he almost lost his brother a second time to a full bathtub and a pack of sleeping pills, citing some decidedly unbrotherly feelings in his suicide note. At twenty-two he's about to lose him for a third time to Stanford University.

Remove All The Pieces One By One by Blue_Jay
"I've been watching to make sure you won't kill yourself since you were twelve. I haven't really succeeded either."




None of the Above All of the Above


Because reasons. ALL the reasons.

Coping by HCAddict
S10. Sam ponders some of the hurtful things Dean has said over the years. He feels hopeless.

No Dominion by [livejournal.com profile] center_galaxy
Sam's lost a lot of things in his life--his chance at a normal life, his lovers, and now his health--but with Sarah's death weighing on him, he's also losing hope. It's up to Dean to change that.

Shots by gothpandaotaku
After the events of Dark Dynasty Sam comes to the realization, with the help of a bottle of whiskey, that he can't watch another person he cares about die. So he'll take the one to blame out of the equation: himself.




None of the Above


Sticks and Stones by [livejournal.com profile] center_galaxy
Words can never be unsaid. Choices can never be unmade. And forgiveness is never as easy as saying sorry.





Updates/Additions to the Suicidal!Sam Compendium II


Added 6 stories.




It Ends When You Can't Take It Anymore


Screaming Silence by whovianonakayak
With the devil in his mind, Sam can't take it anymore. Will Sam's life end at the end of a gun, and will he be behind the trigger?




None of the Above


In The Old House On The Corner by ErinisMagic
In the old house on the corner, there lived a man...

Lethe by Nicolive
It had the power to drown people, to let them die in peace, wiping away their memories of life, and taking away the threat of Hell or Heaven. If you died in the river Lethe, you would truly die in peace, never to feel the sting of your soul moving on.

Over the Edge by EstrellaQueAdmiro
Sam is beating himself up over Charlie's death and Dean is piling on the blame. But how much can the younger Winchester take?

Something You Can't Replace by Er-BearG32
What happens if more was said between Sam and Dean at the end of episode 9x13? Sam never expected his brother to react the way he did, but once more hurtful words are spoken between them, there's no taking them back.

The Darkness in Sam Winchester by CallaLee
Sam has finally taken the last steps toward the end of his life.












ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
Updates/Additions to the Suicidal!Sam Compendium I


10 stories added:

Teen!chesters


Punching in a dream by Felix Felicious
After being told he can't go to Stanford, Sam is found with his wrists slit in an apparent suicide attempt. Only thing is, he doesn't remember doing it.

Can't Stop the Music


Count for the Sacrifice by Welcome to my House of Mirrors
Routine. The human brain's self-preservation at its finest. When Dean decides to add 'die' to the daily schedule, Sam has to make some adjustments to his.

Dean Would be Better Off


To End a Life by dragongurl713
Six days spent thinking about the gun tucked in his waistband and what it would taste like.

Testing Lucifer's Promise


Fixing the Damage by FictionalNutter
Based on a prompt about Sam getting poisoned while he and Dean are at odds. Dean is gone, and Castiel is the one to come to the rescue.

On the Inverted Undoing of a Boy King by sarahjeanne21
“Dean?” His voice was groggy and wrecked, and Dean wondered if he’d just woken up from slitting his wrists again.

UST/Wincest


A Pretty Good Day by Winnie_Chester
This is the way Sam’s world ends.

None of the Above


Just a year by RandomActsofSambriel
The leaves fell off the trees, they look dead. I can't help but be a little jealous.

One Last Candle (to Keep Out the Night) by Bates
Sam Winchester was lost. Lost big time. He once had his brother to help him when he really wasn't in a good place, but now? Now even Dean is gone. With Dean gone and Gabriel gone too, he just doesn't know what to do.
Terrified of his own thoughts, he writes a letter to Gabriel, bringing back memories he hoped he'd never have to face again.

The End by cucoo4cas
10x17 coda. Sam realizes there was more help in Metatron's words than not. He sneaks out of the bunker in a desperate attempt to save Dean's life.

Unfreeze by WinchesterPooja. Also here.
He almost doesn't get out of bed again; because he's tired — too tired, and his bones, and fingers, and hair are tired. His soul is tired.





Updates/Additions to the Suicidal!Sam Compendium II


Added 2 stories.


None of the Above


Lethe by Nicolive
It had the power to drown people, to let them die in peace, wiping away their memories of life, and taking away the threat of Hell or Heaven. If you died in the river Lethe, you would truly die in peace, never to feel the sting of your soul moving on.

Something You Can't Replace by Er-BearG32
What happens if more was said between Sam and Dean at the end of episode 9x13? Sam never expected his brother to react the way he did, but once more hurtful words are spoken between them, there's no taking them back.

ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)




For the rest of the suicidal!sam hoard, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium I Home.
For updates to suicidal!sam death!fic, see here.

NEW CATEGORY! - "Can't Stop the Music (Heat of the Moment)" - here be stories related to Mystery Spot.

Deleted:
Harsh Realities by [livejournal.com profile] hellesofbelles
I'm all you need by obliviousworlds
Stay Still by supercellchaser
The Most Important Thing by 50boys
Why Did You Do It by I Love Supernatural


9 stories added:



Can't Stop the Music



Over and Over and Over Again by [livejournal.com profile] center_galaxy
He still dreams about it.

Redux by [livejournal.com profile] center_galaxy
If there is a way to break out of here and save Dean, then he has to take it, right?


Testing Lucifer's Promise



Hindsight 20-20 by The Bookkeeper (also here)
Being in the same room isn't the same as being together. Someone decides that Dean needs a little extra kick to get him back in gear with his brother before it's too late.

The Lucifer Problem by FictionalNutter
Dean and Sam try to make it work, but after Heaven, it becomes clear to Dean that it would be best to separate. Sam decides to let Dean stop the apocalypse, while Sam takes on the Lucifer problem. After all, if Lucifer doesn't have a true vessel to take, he'll be that much easier to defeat. Sam goes off the grid, and not even Castiel can find him.


UST/Wincest



The Dark Interior Life of Sam Winchester by Winnie_Chester
Sam spent a lot of time imagining how he would kill himself. It was the most fucked up thing he did, which is saying something for someone who got off at least once a week while imagining his brother’s perfect lips wrapped around his cock.


None of the Above



Fade To Black by AElizabeth
John is dead, leaving both his sons grief-stricken and confused. They slowly make their way to Sioux Falls where Dean begins to heal with the help of Bobby and his beloved Impala. Sam, though, is silently spiralling into despair and he can only hold on for so long.

Get Hurt by [livejournal.com profile] safiyabat
"I'm going to go get my brother some cholesterol. And then I'm going to go get drunk."

I'm holding a gun to my head (and I think I might pull the trigger) by MinaRosette
He's done some terrible things. He's hurt people, broken families, betrayed people who trusted him. People he loved. Maybe Dean was right. Maybe he is a monster. He wonders if a bullet will fix it all.

Sammy's Problem by himqwerty
Sam was beaten by John as a kid, and since then has cut himself to relieve the pain. This time, he decides to end it all. Can Dean save him again, this time from himself?

Wrung Out by [livejournal.com profile] themegalosaurus (also here)
Even both times Dean had died since then, Sam hadn’t really managed to cry.
ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)





Updates/Additions to the Suicidal!Sam Compendium II



Added 4 stories.



Teen!chesters


Dripping Blood by Miss221B
"Please," was all he could think, "please don't take my baby brother away from me. Don't take him away. My Sam. My Sammy. My little brother. My baby, God PLEASE!"

It ends when you can't take it anymore


Sam's Last Hallucination by hopelessfangirl
Just an angsty little one-shot about Lucifer using Dean to push Sam to the edge of insanity.

None of the Above


I am Human (And I Will Let You Down) by Enbyfriend_98
He would not cry because his brother had killed himself and Dean didn’t know why.

no more pain only freedom by SnarryMoreidLover
Sam has always felt like he didn't belong with his family and that everyone was better off without him this his his life story on why he wasn't worth it


ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
(and all I got were these lousy Enochian sigils)

A Brother To Be Proud Of by Micaiah
I'm doing what I should have done the day the hell hounds came for you.

And He Shall Lead You Home by [livejournal.com profile] lissa_ann (also here)
If the knife could kill demons, then it could kill him as well, as close to a demon as any human could be.

Burn Your Name by [livejournal.com profile] smash86
A demon kidnaps Sam and tortures him when he's at his lowest. Sam, being Sam, thinks he deserves it after all he's done.

Bye, Sam by Britt Kay (also here)
"G'bye, Dean." Sam whispered into the night as he raised the gun to his head

Dark Dreams, Darker Destinies by vlbuelhe
What if Dean wasn't the only one who got a preview of coming attractions in "The End?"

Detox by [livejournal.com profile] no_candle_mom
Sam lowered his head and nodded slightly. “He… Adam said that you’d be better off without me,” he admitted in a whisper.

For You, Id Do Anything by HappyBlushCalayapie
Sam didn't know Lilith as the final seal, and now, thinking of himself as a failure as a human being, is about to kill himself, when Lucifer shows up at his hotel room with flowers and love in his eyes.

I Have Dreamed of Hope Departed by [livejournal.com profile] eveofnigh
Sam’s irredeemable, his sins too black to be forgiven.

Jumping Waves by Sunny33
Then I see that he's holding the Colt.

Just To Get A Glimpse Beyond This Illusion by ALostEcho98
'The road to hell is paved with good intentions.' He knows that now.

If There Be Thorns by supercellchaser
'Self loathing ate through Sam night and day. As he and Dean fought more and more, Sam hated himself more and more. Hated his life more and more. Wanted it to end more and more.' Sam/Castiel H/C.

Last Good Deed by sometimesspn

After Dean goes to Hell, Sam just wants to do one thing right. And then there's Ruby. And then there's blood. And he just wants to do one thing right. And then Lucifer's out. And he figures it out.

Sinking to the Floor by A Thing For Brothers
Knowing Dean was out there somewhere, hunting him, Sam knew he had to just end it himself.

The darkness within by die Autorin
It was already too late to be saved, so Sam should do what Dean couldn't do. It would be a win-win situation after all.WIP long

Work to Do by [livejournal.com profile] annie46
After the events of ‘Lucifer Rising’ – Sam just wants to have peace.

You're Stuck With Me by TrekkieL
Sam can't cope with being a hunter anymore, so decides to end his life. As he places the barrel to his temple, he apologises to Gabriel, not realising the Archangel can actually hear him. Gabriel is less than happy with Sam, and attempts to help him by sharing a winter memory. Established Sabriel. Some Destiel.


For other flavors of suicidal!sam, or to leave comments, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium I Home
For suicidal!sam death!fic, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium II

ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
(The only way to win is cheat)

A Simple Kind of Man by Safiyabat
“Can’t even freaking die right, but it’s not like you need to worry about it, okay? Besides, I thought we were picking hemispheres.”

Blood Spatter by Veronique Roux
When they were finally left alone, Dean glanced over at Cas. 'D'you think he's alright?' Cas didn't look at him at first. 'I doubt it.' But now he turned. 'But this is Sam we're talking about, Dean. When has he ever been 'alright'?' He used those heinous air quotes again, but Dean didn't find it funny this time.

Cognitive Realignment by Blue_Jay
To Sam, Dean is everything he needs and doesn't need to be. The amulet showed that and when Sam needed verification that what was going on in his head was really just his imagination, all he had to do was look to his brother and it was there, a constant reminder. And it was always with them, every second of every day.
Until it wasn't.

Come On, Oblivion by gothpandaotaku
Dean's left him, and well... Sam has nothing but Oblivion to look forward to.

Destruction by [livejournal.com profile] sylvanelfqueen (also here)
Sam doesn't think twice before stepping in the street and into the path of a speeding SUV.

Diablerie by mara-isamoose
"No matter how many times I try..." Dean's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. He was almost afraid to ask what that could mean. 'Try what'"He just keeps bringing me back." Sam's voice cracked, just like Dean's heart. "Bringing you back from what, Sam?" Sam's only response was clicking off the safety of his gun.

Each Our Own Devil by [livejournal.com profile] tohereandnow (also here)
I will kill myself before letting you in. And I'll just bring you back. Sam takes Lucifer at his word and Dean kills monsters. They learn that they keep each other human. Set primarily after 5x03 and 5x04.

Epiphany by lanri
Sam Winchester, vessel for Lucifer, decides to never say yes. And no matter what, he'll stick by that.

Escaping Destiny by [livejournal.com profile] jasmineisland
Set after Dean told Sam to pick a hemisphere and hung up on him in S5. Sam realizes that he has to stop Lucifer from taking him for a vessel. At all costs.

Fixing the Damage by FictionalNutter
Based on a prompt about Sam getting poisoned while he and Dean are at odds. Dean is gone, and Castiel is the one to come to the rescue.

Four Days Later by simply.kaleidoscope
As he sips his coffee, a thought slips unbidden into the officer's mind: Asshole could've waited five minutes until my shift was over to kill himself.

Giving Up Is Hard To Do by [livejournal.com profile] authoressnebula
'I'd hoped to see you again, before...but. I kinda figured it wasn't ever going to happen. You needed me gone, and I understand. Bobby said you were doing okay with Castiel, and I'm glad. He'll make a good partner.'

Happiness is a Warm Gun by supernaturalsammy67
A smoking gun had never meant so much before. Season 5. Dark.

Here We Still Remain by [livejournal.com profile] vail_kagami
With Lucifer tormenting his dreams, Sam fears sleep so much he sees only one way to get any rest at all. It's not pretty, but it does the job, and Sam is nothing if not pragmatic. Dean doesn't need to know, but then, he doesn't seem to care anyway. As Sam slowly crumbles under the weight of exhaustion, guilt, and his brother's mistrust, it's Castiel who unexpectedly reaches out to him - but the solution the angel offers might well be worse than the problem.

Hindsight 20-20 by The Bookkeeper (also here)
Being in the same room isn't the same as being together. Someone decides that Dean needs a little extra kick to get him back in gear with his brother before it's too late.

His Entire World by lilballerette10
A much needed conversation with Bobby leaves Dean questioning his resentment towards Sam, and Sam being attacked by hunters just adds to the guilt. Tag to 5.03.

Hold On by Amy Renee
Dean's heart was suddenly enclosed in an icy vice-like grip. His eyes widened and he found himself unable to move. Sam continued to stare at the gun intently, and Dean had guessed what that intent was.

I Promise by JediMagnet09
Dean will figure all of this out. He'll end the apocalypse and then I'll really die, because Lucifer won't be here to bring me back.
Even as darkness closed over his vision once more, Sam couldn't help but feel hope at that thought.

Knocking on Death's Door by [livejournal.com profile] dark_shadow85
Sam's depressed after he finds out he's Lucifer vessel. During Dean's time in the future. Sam decides to test Lucifer's theory and see if he really will bring him back, but the angels find him first and refuse for the 'tainted one' to complete such a sinful action. Once Dean comes back and tries to call Sam, Sam doesn't answer.

My Brother and Me by KKBELVIS
Set right after the episode 5-10. -- "No!" A loud cry coming from the living room and something crashing against a wall, stopped the heated conversation. "Sam!" Dean bolted out of his chair.

My Sacrifice by [livejournal.com profile] siyafa (also here)
Sam's guilt finally catches up with him and he does something drastic. Dean is left to pick up the pieces.

Never Again by BroodyCheery323
After everything he had put Dean through, should he call him? Did he deserve to?

Nightmare by RainbowBetty (also here)
There were many times Sam woke up screaming. And Dean never stopped feeling helpless.

Nothing Man by [livejournal.com profile] zubeneschamali (also here)
AU coda to 5.03. Dean goes to Oklahoma after hearing about Sam's encounter with the hunters. What he finds when he arrives horrifies him.

Nowhere to go but Everywhere by [livejournal.com profile] spoons1899  (also here and here)
“Dean, it was a long time ago, and obviously it didn’t work, so can we just—”

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? by kelhome
Dean's heart had kicked up. 'Back up. You 'tested it out?' What the hell does that mean?' Sam shrugged. 'Sliced my wrists in the bathroom. Woke up the next morning, good as new. Anyway, what do you think of the salt and burn thing. Might work, right?'

On the Inverted Undoing of a Boy King by sarahjeanne21
“Dean?” His voice was groggy and wrecked, and Dean wondered if he’d just woken up from slitting his wrists again.

On the Side of the Road by [livejournal.com profile] jasmineisland
Prompt: Back in season 5, after Dean and Sam split up; Sam hitchhikes, thing is, the angels are out to tear him apart.

One Shot by [livejournal.com profile] authoressnebula
One shot. Two brothers. It’s all that either of them have to prevent a sad and bloody ending, and for better or worse…they’re both ready to take it. Partially AU, post-episodes 5.03 and 5.04…and not a one-shot despite the title!

Open Air by BatTitan
"What theory?" That looks suspiciously like a bullet wound. But Dean knows every scar his brother has received almost better than his own past injuries, and that scar is not one of them.

Practical Application by [livejournal.com profile] ratherastory  (also here)
He's apologizing. Again. Except that he's apologizing for not being dead, and Dean wants to scream and shake him and hit him as hard as he can for being so goddamned stupid and pig-headed and thinking that dying was going to fix anything.

Sam's Revelation by Quiet.crash
AU where Sam decides to test out Lucifer's words and then it all just goes downhill.

The darkness within by die Autorin
It was already too late to be saved, so Sam should do what Dean couldn't do. It would be a win-win situation after all.WIP, long

The Lucifer Problem by FictionalNutter
Dean and Sam try to make it work, but after Heaven, it becomes clear to Dean that it would be best to separate. Sam decides to let Dean stop the apocalypse, while Sam takes on the Lucifer problem. After all, if Lucifer doesn't have a true vessel to take, he'll be that much easier to defeat. Sam goes off the grid, and not even Castiel can find him.

The World Ends With You by [livejournal.com profile] tangledaria (also here)
Sam comes back to life with a gasp, choking on a mouthful of blood.

This Bewildering House by [livejournal.com profile] lustmordred
It occurred to Sam that he might be developing an overactive case of paranoia. But then he remembered the Devil in his head and had to think for a few minutes about whether or not he’d been talking to him aloud as he shopped. He didn’t think so, but he couldn’t be 100% sure.

Wasted Vessel by [livejournal.com profile] clown_or_midget (also here)
The only thing in the room outside of the ratty furniture was his green duffel, and that held nothing but a couple of changes of clothes, his knife, and his gun.

We're Going Down, Down, Down To Mephisto's Cafe by fightlikeagirl
He's methodically cleaning his guns when there's a whisper like feathers behind him, and he doesn't have to turn around to know what it is.

When Satan Takes You Over by [livejournal.com profile] sylvia37 (also here)
After his talk with Dean in the panic room, Sam decides that the only way to keep Dean from saying "yes" to Michael is to take things into his own hands so he enlists Castiel's help.



For other flavors of suicidal!sam, or to leave comments, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium I Home
For suicidal!sam death!fic, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium II

ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
(There's no going back)

And He Shall Lead You Home by [livejournal.com profile] lissa_ann (also here)
If the knife could kill demons, then it could kill him as well, as close to a demon as any human could be.

Blackened by [livejournal.com profile] vamphile
'This is who I am. So if you won’t kill me… just… let me. Just let me…die.”

Cold Equation by [livejournal.com profile] bettenoire (also here)
He wonders if reliving his own death would really be so bad, if it could be like this one looks to be - warm, peaceful, just slipping away.

Epiphany by lanri
Sam Winchester, vessel for Lucifer, decides to never say yes. And no matter what, he'll stick by that.

failure to communicate by [livejournal.com profile] hardlygolden
After the flash of light faded, all that was left is the two of them. Coda to 4.22.

Five Times Dean Doesn't Kill Sam and One Time Sam Begs Him to (again) by sarahjeanne21
5 + 1 set in season 5, directly from the point they're zapped onto the plane. There are some miscommunication after the voicemail, Sam thinks Dean wants to kill him. WIP

Live to Fight Another Day by kelhome 
To be honest, he thought it would be a relief for Dean. To finally be out from under rock of 'take care of crazy, demon-infected Sammy.'

Monsters Don't Cry by LeilanaIce
Sam stood in the bushes, pulling the gun from the back of his jeans and staring at it. At least it would save Dean from having to do this, right?

Nothing Else Matters by [livejournal.com profile] starbright73 (also here)
'Guys, I'm sorry. Please, salt and burn. Love, Sam.'

Reap by Tyranusfan
Sam's brain wasn't up to processing all of this. *The angels changed the voicemail?* Tag for 4.22 Lucifer Rising.

Scales by [livejournal.com profile] roxymissrose
'Okay, quick, though, please. Forget everything else, okay, we were brothers. You cared about me. Sorry, I'm really sorry. Fuck.'

The World as we Know It by [livejournal.com profile] debbiel66
“You were right, what you said on the phone. You were right about all of it. I don’t blame you, Dean. I won’t try and stop you.”

Voicemail by SPNxBookworm
'I know you tried hard to save me. I know you're tired of it. I know you won't have the strength to do it yourself. So, I'm doing it for you.'

What You Don't Know by Quiet Crash
Dean comes back from Purgatory and finds his brother domesticated and withdrawn from the hunting life. Naturally he jumps to the conclusion that Sam abandoned him to find his cursed normal while Dean fought for his life. He should have known not to assume anything when it came to his little brother.


For other flavors of suicidal!sam, or to leave comments, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium I Home
For suicidal!sam death!fic, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium II

ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
(thinks-he's-a-monster!sam)

45 by sikeminatural
'This is just something that I need to do and I hope that one day you'll be able to forgive me…bye Dean.'

Catharsis by BlueIris08
One way the angsty, drunken 'Playthings' scene didn't happen.

Crimson by [livejournal.com profile] tattooeddevil  (also here)
Sam is terrified he is going to turn evil. Dean has made it clear beyond a doubt that he's not going to kill Sam, even if he does go darkside. So with no chance that Dean will save the world from his brother, Sam decides to take care of that himself.

Dawn by by Center of the Galaxy
Sam's at the end of his rope and is ready to end it all. At least this way, Lucifer won't be able to use him to start the apocalypse. With Dean and Bobby both gone, Sam's sure that he'll be able to do this in peace.

Dreams to Live On by Annonie
Missing Scene for Born Under a Bad Sign. Sam does the unexpected when Dean refuses to shoot him.

Free To Be You, Not Me by supernaturalsammy67
When Dean took out the knife, Sam's heart beat pistoned. It's Dean's job to tell him it's okay. Angst. Season 5.

Greek Tragedies by Ms Trillbatin
Sam knows Dean won't fulfill his promise, so there's only one option left for him...

Heart Weary by Spense
Sam is tired. And defeated. And overwhelmed. His reaction to that? Not so good.

Into The Dark by [livejournal.com profile] quarterwhore
Sam's afraid of turning darkside. But now he knows what he has to do.

It All Comes Back To You by [livejournal.com profile] lissa_ann(also here)
Post 4x18. Sam falls apart and tries to kill himself because of the events of the past months. He doesn't want to go darkside, and believes he will because of Dean's comment about it.

Keep On Building the Lie by GreenEyedLass
'I can't let it happen. I won't. I didn't have any control over it before, but this,' a quick flick of his knife wielding wrist, scratching a path up his arm that quickly welled with blood. 'This is how I can control it. How I can make it right.'

Last Line to Hang Onto by [livejournal.com profile] authoressnebula
Prompt from the H/C Meme: Sam falls apart and tries to kill himself because of the events of the last few months. He doesn't want to go darkside, and believes he will because of Dean's comment about it. Dean stops him and comforts his younger brother.
sequel:All the Guilt to Let Go Of
Prompt from the H/C meme: Dean is having nightmares about Sam getting hurt because he let him down.

Let Me Bleed by Paige M. Carter
It would be so easy to just let himself bleed to death. Spoilers for 4x19 'Jump The Shark' Darkness and angst ahead.

No Demons Allowed by KKBELVIS
Missing Scene : Fresh Blood. Sam is scared. Gordon had said he was not human. That he should have the guts to kill himself….What if he was right?

Now Comes the Night by kaly
Secrets and lies, however well intentioned, come with consequences. Spoilers for 2x01, speculation for 2x05. Gen.

On The Edge of Death by snsw25kr14
Tag-5x01. Losing his brother's trust was the worst punishment God could have thrust upon him, now though the knife that lay in his hands would not only be his redemption, but also his salvation.

One Bullet by PiratelfDair
AU between Croatoan and Hunted. If John had said Sam was part demon, and if they still had the Colt, this could've happened. A discussion between the brothers brings out an old issue and resolves a new one.

Overdose by [livejournal.com profile] tifaching (also here)

Penance by LeighAnnWallace
'Fine! Just - fine. Freaking leave me a gun and get the hell out of here!'

Sammy's Anguish by FreckledAdvocate
Sam is suicidal; for all the right reasons. Will Dean be able to save Sam from himself or is he doomed to witness the brother he'd tried so hard to protect take his own life? Set soon after Born Under a Bad sign.

Six Feet Ain't So Far Down by [livejournal.com profile] authoressnebula
All he had to do was step out, and let his body fall. Six plus feet of wide spread sacrifice to the waters, and this would all be over. Early season 3 spoilers.

Sinking to the Floor by A Thing For Brothers
Knowing Dean was out there somewhere, hunting him, Sam knew he had to just end it himself. 

The Choice by [livejournal.com profile] authoressnebula
One gun. One bullet. It's up to Sam and Dean to decide who will shoot the bullet...and who will die.

To Save a Life by Ryla Dante
He did not turn around, but his hands dropped to his sides. In his right hand was Dean's automatic. Jesus Christ. The kid's Swiss Cheese had slid off its Ritz.

Unthinkable by [livejournal.com profile] glassshoe  (also here), and podfic here
After a week of riding shotgun in his own body, Sam needs to know that he's the one at the wheel. coda to BUABS.

Weight of the World by WaywardSons5160
Sam's discovery of a new ability leads him to consider whether it would be safer for Dean if he were no longer around.


For other flavors of suicidal!sam, or to leave comments, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium I Home
For suicidal!sam death!fic, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium II

ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
(Heat of the Moment)


After You by Aerith Queen of Cetra
This time, Dean... I'll go first. One-shot

Count for the Sacrifice by Welcome to my House of Mirrors
Routine. The human brain's self-preservation at its finest. When Dean decides to add 'die' to the daily schedule, Sam has to make some adjustments to his.

Day Seventy-Four by [livejournal.com profile] caranfindel
Day 74 in Broward County. Sam is falling apart; Dean tries to help put him back together.

Last Resort by [livejournal.com profile] rirren (also here) and here)
Dean keeps dying and Sam can't change that. But Sam's last resort might just be the last thing he ever does.

Like Groundhog Day by [livejournal.com profile] foolscapper
Prompt: " . . .So, after countless Tuesdays, let's say Sam's gotten a little desperate."

Over and Over and Over Again by [livejournal.com profile] center_galaxy
He still dreams about it.

Redux by [livejournal.com profile] center_galaxy
If there is a way to break out of here and save Dean, then he has to take it, right?

For other flavors of suicidal!sam, or to leave comments, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium I Home
For suicidal!sam death!fic, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium II
ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
(thinks-he's-a-burden!sam)

And Now by carocali
He threw the knife to floor and tried to get up, looking for another more painful option.

Broken by [livejournal.com profile] leighannwallace
Dean hangs up on Sam after telling him they're safer apart. Lucifer decides to step in for a little 'counseling'.

Chaser by psiChic
'What're you doing out here?' Dean tried to keep his voice casual. His eyes darted from the empty bottles to the piece in Sam's unsteady hands. Sam flinched at the sound of Dean's voice. It took a moment for him to reply. 'Nothin'.' 'Nothin', huh? With an empty six pack and a loaded gun?'

destruction by [livejournal.com profile] sylvanelfqueen (also here)
Sam doesn't think twice before stepping in the street and into the path of a speeding SUV.

Fell on Black Days by [livejournal.com profile] snarkymuch (also here)
You can only take so much before you break. Since Dean returned from purgatory, Sam has been taking hits. This was one hit too many. S8.

Fractured Fairytale by dean_and_sammy
Set after Dean told Sam to pick a hemisphere and hung up on him in S5. Sam realizes that he has to stop Lucifer from taking him for a vessel. At all costs.

Giving Up Is Hard To Do by [livejournal.com profile] authoressnebula
'I'd hoped to see you again, before...but. I kinda figured it wasn't ever going to happen. You needed me gone, and I understand. Bobby said you were doing okay with Castiel, and I'm glad. He'll make a good partner.'

Hitchiker by [livejournal.com profile] skagtrendy1 (also here)
No one wanted to trade Sam's worthless soul for John's.  But there was something else he could do for Dean. Sam's trembling fingers closed around the bottle of pills.

Hush Little Brother by Chloe Winchester
Sam only knows one way to stop Lucifer from possessing him.

I'll Fix This For You by iamtryN
Silence equaled confirmation to Sam that he was both Dean's baggage and his burden. 'It's better this way. Let me go… you need them.'

Incidentally by [livejournal.com profile] veronamay
If he'd been watching Sam more closely, he would've seen the signs.

In the Twilight by Darktales (also here)
Devils Trap Tag. The night before Dean is getting released from the hospital, Sam realizes there is only way he can protect his brother.

Losing It by RainbowBetty (also here)
Tag to 5.1, Sympathy for the Devil. Bobby's words cut deep, but worse by far was his brother's silence.

My Sacrifice by [livejournal.com profile] siyafa (also here)
Sam's guilt finally catches up with him and he does something drastic. Dean is left to pick up the pieces.

Never Going to be Okay by LaurenEP18
'What the hell is wrong with me? Am I so weak that I can't even tell my own brother that I needed him to stay with me? That I may need protection from myself, not the supernatural creatures that go bump in the night?'
sequel:Keeping Up The Facade
'You- You're the best big brother. I mean, don't f-feel guilty.'

Nothing is Guaranteed by NC Girl
'What, Sam? What in God's name did you see that was so'    'I saw a way out, okay? I saw a way to take the
burden off of you.'

Of Obligations and Desperation by skag trendy
Following a confrontation with a despair demon, a fight between the brothers sends Sam over the edge. Set Season 2 after Croatoan.

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? by kelhome
Dean's heart had kicked up. 'Back up. You 'tested it out?' What the hell does that mean?' Sam shrugged. 'Sliced my wrists in the bathroom. Woke up the next morning, good as new.
Anyway, what do you think of the salt and burn thing. Might work, right?'

One Shot by [livejournal.com profile] authoressnebula
One shot. Two brothers. It’s all that either of them have to prevent a sad and bloody ending, and for better or
worse…they’re both ready to take it. Partially AU, post-episodes 5.03 and 5.04…and not a one-shot despite the title!

On the Open Road by SilverMidnight52
Dean finds a letter from Sam when he was a teenager explaining why he killed himself.

Picking up the Pieces by DarkandtwistyGirl
A failed suicide attempt leaves Dean trying to pick up the shattered pieces of his family.

Residue by buffyaddict
Coda to episode 2x14, Born Under a Bad Sign. His whole life Dean has been there for him. Protected him. Shielded him. Saved him. But now Dean is the one who needs protection. Not from a ghost or a monster, from him. It's not about Dean saving Sam anymore. It's about Sam saving Dean.

Running Out of Time by [livejournal.com profile] authoressnebula
Gift for nyghtpet, post 2x02 ELAC: Dean won't speak, Sam won't ask anymore, but he feels like he needs to save Dean. In the end, though, it might be Dean who needs to save Sam.

Never Again by BroodyCheery323
After everything he had put Dean through, should he call him? Did he deserve to?

Silence to Regrets by stranded chess piece
Nothing is right. Sam thinks he has the fix, but Dean disagrees. Tag to 'Wishful Thinking.'

Sorrow Enough To Drown The World by [livejournal.com profile] chaosrosa (also here)
Sam is broken by all he has done. Dean shows up to try and save him. Will Sam let him?

The Blood in my Veins by DeppsLadyRosebud
Set before John's return for Dead Man's Blood, Salvation and Devils Trap. Sam's fears about the Demon's plans for him cause him to take drastic measures when he begins to contemplate who he really is… One Shot

The Letters to Silence by Desertfyre
Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn’t stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters  would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever.

There's a Gun In Your Hand (And It's Pointed At Your Head) by TheResurrectionist
Sam can't take it anymore. Can Dean? Written for the prompt, "I crawled out of hell once. Don't make me do it again."

This Life by TheRumor15
When Dean drops his amulet in the garbage can, something in Sam breaks.

To End aLife by dragongurl713
Six days spent thinking about the gun tucked in his waistband and what it would taste like.

Unanswered Calls by Onari
Alternative ending for Provenance. Sam's not answering Dean's call from the mausoleum...Brother's angst, nervous breakdown.

Until It's Gone by AlxM
Early Season 5 — AU — You never really know what you've got, until it's gone.

What I Can Do by HarvestMoonChild
AU: set between ELAC and Bloodlust. One Winchester decides to rewrite history to give his brother what he thinks he needs.

Wishing is Cold This Year by [livejournal.com profile] minviendha  (also here and here)
“Strategically, it only makes sense, and I mean, I guess Dean might be a little upset, but he’d-” Sam swallowed, once, and Castiel saw a flicker of something, very briefly, before it was gone. “—he’d get over it.”.

For other flavors of suicidal!sam, or to leave comments, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium I Home
For suicidal!sam death!fic, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium II
ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
(In which Sam is left to his own devices)

Death Declines by Dollar Short
Sam told Dean that he had tried everything to rescue him from hell, but there was one thing he had tried that he would never tell his brother.

Don't Jump by newende90
One step is all it would take to make it all go away. Dean, the pain, and even that rooftop I'm standing on.

Five different ways to die by CatherineWinner
Sam couldn't save him so he starts planning his backup plan.

Midnight at the lost and found by skag trendy
Sam and Dean have a minor tiff over the car, which leads to something deeper. Sam isn't coping well with current events... 

Sola Fide by The White Wanderer
But then he thinks of Dean, and there is no turning back.  They say that suicides go to Hell, and that's exactly where he wants to go.

Sullen Load is Full; So Slow on the Spit by [livejournal.com profile] apodiopsys
Somehow, Sam has to keep surviving while Dean's burning in hell.

For other flavors of suicidal!sam, or to leave comments, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium I Home
For suicidal!sam death!fic, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium II
ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
("Don't be afraid. I'm going to make you all better.")

Asylum: A Supposed Bullet to the Heart by gothraven89
Instead of pulling the trigger on Dean, Sam does something that opens up a whole can of worms. unfinished

Death of a Brother by Ice Cube1
After Asylum, the brothers reflect, and the consequences that come from it...

I'm Done by iamtryN
Dean's done… So's Sam… right?

For other flavors of suicidal!sam, or to leave comments, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium I Home
For suicidal!sam death!fic, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium II
ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)
Certain seasons have produced specific sub-genres of suicidal!sam.
Season 2: afraid-of-going-darkside!sam
Season 3: can't-face-Dean's-Deal!sam
Season 5: guilty-about-starting-the-apocalypse,afraid-of-giving-in-to-Lucifer!sam
Season 7: hallucinating-tormented-by-Lucifer!sam
Season 8: Dean-would-be-better-off-with-Benny-as-a-brother!Sam

So here we are in season 9, and apparently it is in JP's contract that at least once per episode his character must remind someone that he was ready to die, should have died, everything is wrong because he didn't die, etc.
Where are the fics for this? Folks are still writing suicidal!sam, I have enough for a compendium update soon; they just aren't writing for this season.

All I have for S9 is [livejournal.com profile] zubeneschamali's Time To Let Go. And I love her work and I mean this in the nicest possible way, only because her writing is overall so good - this isn't even her best suicidal!sam story.

My theory is that this season is less appealing, story-wise, because Sam's death-wish is less subtle. Is that the problem? Or is it something else?

And does anyone have any more Season 9 suicidal!sam stories?
ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)

After the Asylum


("Don't be afraid. I'm going to make you all better.")
Asylum: A Supposed Bullet to the Heart by gothraven89
Instead of pulling the trigger on Dean, Sam does something that opens up a whole can of worms. unfinished

Death of a Brother by Ice Cube1
After Asylum, the brothers reflect, and the consequences that come from it...

I'm Done by iamtryN
Dean's done… So's Sam… right?
ithuriel788: beetle (beetle)

Doesn't go to Stanford AU


(In which hopes and dreams are crushed)

Beneath the Trees 'Verse by [livejournal.com profile] minviendha
Beneath the Trees, Where Nobody Sees (also here and here) - The fic that started it all. John gives the ultimatum. Sam makes a different choice.
As Long as They Please (also here
and here) - Sam's life is very, very empty. Also, Dean gets a girlfriend. It doesn't work out. (Nothing does.)
Catch Them Unawares (also here and
here) - The YED would like to talk to Sam. It's not very effective. Meanwhile, Dean tries to get through to his brother and John is unhelpful.
Safer to Stay at Home (also here and
here) - Dean and Sam have some Quality Time. Things look up. Maybe.
You'd Better Not Go Alone (also here and here) - No one is happy. Sam's good at pretending. Life goes on.

Fade by InTheCompanyOfDragons
Sam knows he has dreams outside of hunting... His escape is the acceptance letter in the bottom of his bag. But he can't leave his family. His choice to stay leads to a whole new world of pain for the Winchester's, leaving them to wonder of Sam should have left his family behind him.

Hunted by AngstyAly
He lifted the gun again, put it to his temple, grinding his sweat soaked hair against his skin, finger trembling on the trigger. He was going to do it. The acceptance letter was reason enough. Let John read that as a suicide note.

Miles Before I Sleep by [livejournal.com profile] silverkit (also here)
Sam tore the letter up six miles outside of Wadsworth, Wisconsin, population 881.

What Might Have Been by Elizabeth Goode
What would have happened if Sam hadn't left home to go to college? Dean and John find out from Missouri about a possible future that was avoided when Sam left to go to Stanford. But, if it was avoided once, can it be avoided again?

Ultimatum by Pizza yum
The demon was defeated in Devils Trap leaving all three Winchester's wondering what to do. Sam want's to go back to school but his Dad once again gives him that stupid ultimatum.

For other flavors of suicidal!sam, or to leave comments, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium I Home
For suicidal!sam death!fic, go to Suicidal!sam Compendium II

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